So....today I am pooped.  I don't have any energy left for tomorrow but by the grace of God I will get through. I've been going through a lot, and I know that my sensitive nature has been pummeled. I feel like I'm taking a beating from all sides and no one to protect me. I feel attacked on all ends, but dear God I know that's not true. It just feels like it, but it's not true. I just started my new job, new living arrangements, new church, new chance at life. It's my clean slate!!!! I beg God to not let it get me down.

Becoming me---is all about discovering I am while seeing myself through God's eyes.  It's also about blogging my way through my path to being a teacher and sharing myself to other children that need to know about God's love! I haven't been faithful to doing that as of late, so lately it's been about surviving my kids. I want to revamp my classroom plan so that I focus on sharing God's love and not letting myself get crazy!! So I'm going to make an effort to blog about my kids and describe each and every one of them to you without giving who they are away. (I've changed their names to protect them)

There's Minion reminds me of myself.  He is precious, quiet, and is so willing to work with others.  Every time you say Minion, he always "Coming!"  He is so willing & able to come to help me out & to listen when he hears me.

There's also Kayla.  She is my little adult. She tries to be the mature one.  She seems to have an answer for everything.  She is also my little communicator.

Then there's Krissy.  She is the baby of the class. She is also is very fierce.  When it comes to getting her way.  I'm trusting that God has a lesson for me to learn in her ;)

There's also Trent.  He is my little rambunctious one.  He always has a smile to share, and is full of life & energy.  Always have to be on my toes with him. haha.

Then there's Brandon.   I understand why teachers say they secretly have favorites.  He is his own little person. Whenever I have a cup, a bag of chips, or anything else that belongs to me....He always says "Here ya go Rosa."  Or if anyone takes it away he always grabs it and runs over to me "Here ya go! Rosa"  For the life of me I can't figure out ways to convince him going potty is the most exciting thing he'll ever discover lol.

And I won't leave out my little teacher.  Ariel is the one during playtime lining up all the chairs and sitting her little bears in those chairs.  She has those precious brown eyes and always looks directly at me when she knows she's in trouble.

Then there's Jenna.  Sometimes I don't understand half of what she's saying but she always has these beautiful blue eyes & she seems to listen.

Then there's another precious girl. Kristen.  She always has a mischievous grin....and she tells her Mommie that her favorite teacher is "Miss Rosi." I love her smile...her beauty. She's gracious & cute.

How can I forget Porcelain?  She always is so eager to please, eager to listen, and likes to spend time with me.  She has a smile, even after the bad days, for me.  When I think I've crushed this poor spirit, she bounces back with a smile - that shoots straight for my heart.

Ah...but if we're stopping by to talk about children, the last (but not least) is Barbie.  When she first started coming to our daycare she was always so....happy.  Always had a smile. Always laughing.   She was just full of joy.  So full of joy.  She would always run up to me and just hang on to my leg.  Although she gave other people a hard time, I secretly loved this little girl.  Even as the more she got older the more difficult she became...I still loved her joyfulness, her care, her spirit.

My kids.  Either they are problems....or blessings.  I choose to see them as blessings....even when I want to say they are the opposite.

Today...I had a total of four kids.  I always appreciate the days with low numbers because they allow me to have a breather which I know will not happen when I get a full load the entire week.  I appreciate those days.  Today.  We painted a panda bear.  Every one has their own different painting style & I loved theirs.  I hung their finished painting job on the ceiling close by the lunch table.  It's a routine everyday.  Although the afternoon is different.

Today Brandon who is usual jolly & happy was unhappy towards the end. He got upset over something very minor and could not seem to overcome that towards the end of the day. I didn't know what else to do except send him to the office.  He cried & was sitting there in solitary silence when I went to get him.  Poor thing.  His mom has recently been dating this man who seems to not have hit it so well with Brandon.  I remember the last time he came to pick up Brandon, I said Brandon "Look who's here!" He looks up and says "Daddy!" Then when he looks up his Mom's boyfriend is standing there and his spirit and face is crushed.  He silently walks over to the wall and faces it. I felt like I was in a very awkward moment, and found a way to overcome by simply asking him to walk over to my refrigerator because I had something for him.  He chose to come over and we went through that bump in the road with no problem. Whew. My heart breaks for children like that....who have to face those types of situations when I've never had to face that at all.

Through it all, there is a lesson to be learned.  It's made me tougher about being firm in my decision towards doing something and not doubting myself because the children began to doubt me as well. The labor of love that I have for them is simply because I love them.  I realize that I want the best for them, and how God simply wants the best for them.  But the most important thing I've learned about this all - is simply when your obedient there is much more that can be accomplished than if you are not.  There is much more.  And when someone is asking you to do something it simply is because it is the best.  And when you simply do what you can to follow in the end it works out for everyone!! God has been slowly been teaching me about simply obeying Him in the small things.  The simple act of obedience in reading the Bible & praying. God has taken me through Canaanland to the Promised Land, to the acts of God's blessings when Israel followed Him, and their downfall when they chose to follow their other gods.  He knows what's best.  If we can simply believe, follow Him, and trust Him He can do much more in our lives through His strength and not our own!! Amen & Amen. God is forever faithful. Thank you Father.

By the way. I am AWK-WARD. Cute awkward. NOW. But in the past more like I-want-to-shoot-myself AWK-WARD.  I kinda realize that being AWK-WARD isn't such a bad thing.  I will accept & value myself  just like GOD ALREADY DOES!!!  I will start speaking life into my LIFE!  I will avoid the negative and focus what God has ALREADY DONE!!! God is truly Amazing! He will change things around!! I know He will!! Amen! I'm ready for God to start moving in my life!! :)

I need to set some goals for my life. I need to believe in myself again. I need to know what I love, hate, care about, don't care about, like dislike I need TO KNOW WHO I AM. If I don't then my life is in ruins and  I NEED TO SPEND TIME WITH GOD. I need to know him fully, completely, and give myself over to him. I need to believe. Believe somehow that God can turn my situation around. That He will surround me in HIS LOVE. GOD HELP!!!

I went to Texas Teachers training today. I found myself late. Like I'm late to everything. I don't know exactly why I'm late to everything. I was thinking about while I was rushing over to the Texas Teacher's building. Why am I late? Why do I procrastinate? Maybe it's because I fear failure so much. Maybe it's because I don't believe in myself. I don't know how to even believe in myself. I fear so many things. I am scared of life. I am running scared like a rabbit. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid I'm going to start this and this is going to end up in crumbs too. Why do I fear that so much? Why do I fear my life? Why do I fear being me? Why do I fear not finding me? I fear it because I sense how fragile life is, and how your decision can make you or break you as an adult looking back on your younger years wishing you had made better decisions. I don't want to be that person. Today I feel like a little girl. Still looking for that gaping hole to be filled with something to not remind her how empty she feels. I feel so isolated. God knows how isolated I feel. How a pretty girl like me feels incompetent, alone, unloved, and unprotected. Those are the four worst feelings to have when first starting out a very courageous journey. I don't know what I'm supposed to be or how I'm supposed to act, I just know that I feel ALONE. I wonder sometimes if it's my own doing that has led me to being a solitary figure in my life. I haven't wanted to turn out like my parents, and yet in some ways I have. I'm lonely, depressed, miserable, afraid, fearful, unplanned, lazy when it comes to things that really matter, and in bad relationships. I'm afraid of things. I'm afraid. Why am I so afraid?  My hands are cold right now as I write this. I don't believe in myself. I don't believe myself enough. Do I even believe God? I'm afraid of what people think of me. I'm afraid the 2s and 3s will fail because of me.  I've always had a problem with being disliked because people always thought I was too stuck up, too closed off, didn't talk very much at all. How am I going to be a teacher????  How am I going to show these kids how much I will care about them/love them? Why am I going into this journey again? Do I want to go into this journey??  What am I doing to myself???  Why do I sit here and wonder about myself like I do? When I look into my soul I see the ugliness of my soul. I see the fruit of negativity in my life. The fruit of the Spirit is LOVE, JOY, PEACE, LONGSUFFERING, GENTLENESS, GOODNESS, FAITH, MEEKNESS, and TEMPERANCE. Meekness - submissiveness to God, and Temperance - self control or restraint. Do I show that in my own life? Why do I find it so hard to enjoy my life without rushing to my car, or to the next activity so I don't have to stop and think about my life? I don't know how to find the solution or how to process my problems without becoming overwhelmed. I don't have a filter. I don't know when to let go of a relationship when it has become bad for me. I don't know how I'm supposed to overcome, or what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how to let go, or how to forgive. I don't know if the way my life is is a result of God's disapproval upon my life, or His effort to make me stronger and increase my faith. My problem is right at this moment lack of self confidence and self assurance. I don't have any faith whatsover when it comes to the success of my future. I feel like my mind is a small parachute. It dwells on all my negatives and there is so much pain there that I have not personally dealt with, that keeps coming back, and I have no answers. I don't know how to live my life without feeling almost desperate - desperate to run away from everything and everyone that I know. I have no answers for my life, and that is the most helpless feeling in the world. To feel completely alone. But I know the moment I start accepting the fact that I do have pain in my soul that I do not want to face, and sadness, and anger in my heart, then I won't move forward. I'll be stuck in my teenage years emotionally, unable to move forward until I have dealt with and settled these issues in my heart. I still feel the same feelings of feeling incompetent, overwhelmed, discouraged that nobody seemed to like me, and sad. So sad to see the misery in my parents marriage and wishing there was a way to resolve those problems. Then I saw how bitter my Mom became. How she dealt with her anger. And how every opportunity she had she tore him apart with her words, and was verbally abusive.  She had no love for him with her words. Her intent was now to murder his spirit like he had murdered hers. She lives in a world of fear and hate, and paranoia. In all of that, I have seen how time has not helped, but actually worsened the problem. I was that young girl wishing and hoping and praying for my parents marriage to be restored and healed so that I could have an example to look up to for my own future marriage. But at some point in my life, I must have made a promise to myself that I would never marry.  That I would never subject myself to a man because I did not want to end up miserable. So far, I have kept myself to that promise. Only entering relationships that I know wouldn't succeed. That I know wouldn't last. One where it was one person using the other. I had no boundaries. I have standards, but my actions show I believe that I won't be able to find a guy who meets those standards. I believe that God came to this world because He has a love that I cannot understand. A love that far exceeds anything I have personally recieved in my life or that I have shown others. He has such a perfect, strong, unwavering love. He would have to have that kind of love---why else would you leave your riches, glory, fame, beauty and perfect world to come to a ratty, dirty, dark world just so that He could die at the very end? Why would you enter a story like that unless there was depth to the love that the Bible speaks about?  That kind of love that sets ME aside completely and has 100% faith in what He is doing with His time on this earth. He also had a purposeful love. A love that restored. A love that changed.  A love that healed. A love that gave so much. LOVE. God defined love for us. How is it that love never changed my family to be what it should be? How is it that it was written in the pages of the Bible, but that Bible only collected dust and didn't do very much to reflect the fruits of the Spirit in our family? How is it that at 25 years old I'm sitting in a small room with a bed, library shelves, and a laptop to my name? With no family or parental support other than what my older sister can give which right now I believe is more than she can afford? Why has she given so much? Does she really love me that much? Does God really love me that much that He's allowing me this time to find what I'm supposed to do and who I am? There is so much that I bury and I store. So much. I don't know how to handle. I store and I bury. All these fears. I am so alone. Lord please bring me back to You. If this is my time to discover YOU, then help me to do it. Bring my family back together at some point. Help me to find myself at this time, and not to lose heart like YOU asked us not to do. I just know that the emotions I feel are bringing me down. I have no faith in my abilities, talents, or skills. No faith. Please teach me what I need to know to be a successful teacher in the classroom. I feel like my journey that I have started on, is asking me to face myself and my past which I haven't wanted to do in a really long time. I don't want to process those emotions, I don't want to feel them. My talk is soooo negative, I don't even know where to start to make it positive again. God help me. In this landslide. Help me. Because I dont' know. I truly look to YOU at this point of time in my life, and ask for the grace to sustain through this even more lonelier period in my life. Please don't let me stay solitary very long. But help me to appreciate these times, so the times I am alone, they don't feel solitary or depressing but I can actually be with myself without feeling bad about myself. That I can use that time to refresh my spirit, and refresh my soul, because I am starving and dying away. Thank YOU God. You are my Saviour now.

I have a lot of negative emotions I just need to work through.  Today as I was driving home, I thought about my home life, my parents, my family, and my living situation.  Have I truly taken responsibility for my life or have I given up?  Will my dreams ever come true to be in a public school educational system and teach the kids what they need to know and learn for their future?  I also just have some basic fears about myself.  Do I know who I am, do I know what I stand for, do I know what I believe in, do I even believe in myself?  I feel soooo alooone.  So alone.  My parents have left me, and honestly I haven't felt secure in their love.  Always doubted my Dad's love, and my Mom has never really been there for me personally.  It's been more that we as children have been there for her. I have felt that I have raised myself in a way.  Been on my own, emotionally and spiritually. Do I have any life goals, do I have a vision for my life?  No I don't. I don't believe in myself.  I don't know if I'll amount to anything. I know the right things to say, I know the right Bible verses to quote, but do I believe them? Do I live like I believe them?  I fear that my doubts and depression only show that I don't.  I worry so much.  I love so little, because I feel so insecure right now.  I'm so insecure.  I don't know if people know half of what I am so insecure about.  They just see a beautiful girl who seems like she has everything together when really I'm terrified...so terrified on the inside. I don't know if I even have what it takes. I feel like I miss discernment, wisdom, a solid foundation of unconditional love.  I also feel disconnected from God's love on a personal level.  I know it's me. It's not God. I just don't know how to get back to God.  Or not even get back to God it's more like have I ever know what it is to be on a personal level with God?  Do I know how to even have that personal relationship?  Will I ever know?  Am I doomed to go to hell?  Do I know what is to have a good relationship with God. Does He know all my honest doubts and fears. I feel like a failure. That's what it comes down to. Sadly, I wonder if that's all I will ever be known for.  God help me. I don't know how to process things in my own life. I push people away because I don't feel like I deserve to be loved. I don't even know how to love. I feel incompetent in my life.  As if the day to day activities is the hardest thing for me to overcome. I don't know even where to be begin. I don't know how I'm going to be a good wife/mother with my insecurities staring right back at me in the face.  Am I doomed to live a life in desolation/sadness/poverty of spirit.  Does God see me? Does He know my doubts/fears?  I have lived trying to remain faithful to Him. ..trying to live by what's right..and in the end I don't know even know if I please Him or not. I don't know if my life is going to be of value. It's almost as if the truth is staring at me right in the face, and I don't want to believe it, or something hinders me from believing it. I feel like I'm a broken mess. And I can't be fixed. That I keep staring up out of this deep dark well and I see people's smiling faces looking down at me, and each try to do something to save me, but they don't have enough strength for two people. They were never meant to have strength for two people.  I have to BELIEVE in GOD, in the talents and abilities He has given me enough to where I don't need constant reassuring that I am of value.  When pressures of life and discouragement come, it's as if I don't have enough strength, faith, or value to believe that I am worth the trouble.  I feel like I am all pretty and no substance. I'm not that beautiful. But all I've lived off was my beauty. My beauty is what brought the boys in.  That's what kept me going is flattery.  But in the end, it offered no substance.  I know how I think, and the beliefs that control me, and I don't know how to let it go. How to believe in beauty and positive things. How to heal from my past.  Full of bitterness, cliffhangers, and sadness.  A broken marriage.  Broken pieces for parents, who tried their best to be present, but who never really were.  I have that as an example of a home.  A sad, depressed, angry, home. I've always been somehow linked to my mom on an unhealthy level.  We all have. But I feel like I have lost my personality and who I am the most.  The boundaries have been so blurred that I have lost my personality in a bad relationship.  I feel like I offer no knowledge, nothing of substance to the world.  I don't believe in myself.  I don't know what to believe about myself. I don't know where to go from here. But I feel like feelings wise I have truly hit rock bottom. And I hate how I keep lying to myself about how I feel.  I hate that I pretend like I'm so happy when I'm absolutely miserable. I don't want to continue to bring people down with me either. I dont' want to constantly be a downer. Feel like I should be more of a motivator, and less passive. But passive is all I know how to be. I've never been the one to take initiative, usually let others make the move. Which is surprising how I've been with Raul.  I've been the one to make the move. I've been the one to talk to him, and I feel slightly embarassed now.  Feel like I put myself out there, and I was the idiot. God help me. I was the idiot. I might as well wear a dunce hat and call me foolish. I don't know if I'm going to make it through this.  I don't know if I'll be able to love, or be loved.  Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? What does life hold for me? I don't know about life. I just dont' know.  I don't know how to handle myself...how to process things, how to think for myself. How to come to positive conclusions instead of beating up on myself.  How to let the values and convictions I have lived for. I don't know what to live for anymore. I don't know what to fight for. I want to give up. With a bullet in my brain. That's how badly I want to give up. I don't have any type of regular schedule. Don't have any consistency in my life. I don't have a salary. I don't have a future at the moment. I just have dreams, and fantasies. My world is a fantasy, and the reality is harder to look at. I've never had the fighting spirit in me.  Maybe more so the rebellious spirit lately, because I got a little dose of some love. Some love that turned out to be unrequited love. It turned out to be a mess. It wasn't real love. Just puppy love. It wasn't love. I haven't wanted to dig deep into my soul for a long time now. I want to ignore what I feel and how unworthy/worthless I feel. These are the dark emotions I face when it's a bad day.  When it's a bad day I don't think of it's a bad day...I think more along the lines of there I go again proving to myself that I can't do anything right. That I don't know how to handle myself in life. That I don't have anything to offer. That I just suck the life out of life. I feel very dark. I envision putting a gun to my head. And ending it all. Wishing for relief from this pain. I have always lived for the approval of people. And not having that to feed off of, has slowly begun to starve my desire for life. Because it seems that's all I was living for. For people's approval. And when I don't get it. I don't think I'm worth anything. Pretty sad. I do say so myself. What AM I LIVING FOR?? Why am I here? I don't how to enjoy the lighter things in life. What does life have in store for me.?  Am I going to end in failure yet once again? Is my life going to be a sad story for the ages for my cousins, children, and my friends. Will I know what love is? Will I discover love? What am I fighting for in my life? What do I have to live for?? Am I living for Raul, Lorena, Dad, Mom, Sara, the daycare? What do I have to live for? What am I doing here? Why am I here? Am I going to make it? What do I find beautiful? What do I dream about? What do I need to let go of? Why do I fear? Why do I not believe? Why am I going to be a teacher? To prove myself of value to kids who do not care about education anymore? What have I done with my life? Already made a mess of it. I don't feel worthy of life. I don't want to breathe or even live anymore. I don't know what to live for anymore. I just want to crumble in to the pressure, cave in to life. I don't have the strength. I feel unprotected and that is the worst feeling for me. I feel the most loved when I am the most protected. I feel like I've been left to the wolves. Maybe I should have listened to my parents. Maybe I should have stuck with my degree. Why do I feel like I've caved in to the pressure so much. God help me. And be with me. Help me to know how to continue with strength and believe in the person you've created me to be. My dad offered to take me to Laredo. To get a fresh new start. I want a fresh new start. I want to be taken away from everything and get away from life. But is that really the answer? Haven't I been running all this time? I've been running because I feel like my fate has been sealed. I've been cursed to a life of unhappiness with the wrong partner. I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now. I don't know how to breathe life into my situation because there is no life in me. I need God's spirit to breathe what is slowly starting to die again. My will to live. My will to live. I've never been one to have a strong will. I've always been complacent and compliant. Passive. Is that a way to live life? Shouldn't obedience come forth from the conviction of faith in God and that obedience will provide blessing. I just obey to obey. Because I don't have any desire for life. I just go through the motions. Is life meant to be lived going through the motions? NO!!!! Life is not meant to be lived. I know that much. I just don't know how or where to go from here. Does God hear real prayers? I believe he does. Does He hear my prayers? I don't know completely. He might hear the prayers of those around me...but does He hear my prayers? Will I ever be of any value to any public school education system? What have I gotten myself into? Do I know how to get out? What am I supposed to do? Most of my decisions that I've made have been against things. In other words I've been passive even in my decision making. Except for...quitting graduate school, and deciding to go into teaching. That was the first decision that I've made where I MADE THE DECISION versus someone telling me to make that decision. Now I'm back to making passive decisions in my life. What am I living for? Why do I want to become that girl that just sleeps her life away? It's not that I'm afraid of work it's that I'm fearful that I'll invest my life into something and then I'll realize that at the very end of it all it was a WASTE. A WASTE of my time and efforts. I don't want to end up that way. However, I've resigned myself to that it seems like that with my actions. Just coming home to lay on the couch watch tv and go to sleep. God help me. I feel like I'm standing alone in this dark deserted desert. And the line from the Snow White movie speaks to me "The forest draws strength from your weakness." I've always felt dark though. Always sad. I can still remember how isolated I felt in private school. Sooo isolated. I can still remember how I would sob at night, and how close I came to ending my life in high school. Those thoughts and that person are still with me. I'm still that person that feels like she is in high school surrounded by people who have stronger bonds with people who feel loved and protected. And they don't realize how vulnerable I am. They have no ideaaaa how vulnerable I am!!!! No idea. Dear God, I feel unprotected and vulnerable, and YOU Have told me "Be strong and of good courage!"  Please remind me why YOU CAN PROMISE THAT> You can promise that, because YOU Are my protector. I don't feel that right now. God I feel like I'm being crushed and I have been abandoned. Literally abandoned. Will I always feel that?  I'm so lost. So lost. In myself. I don't know the first way out. I don't know what decisions to make that will be good for me. I don't know what's good for me. I really don't. God don't give up on me. I don't know what I like, or don't like.  Esp. if I'm put on the spot. I'm very weak personally. I don't feel loved, I feel sad. Sooo sad. So sad. I don't even know how to go on. How to keep going. I need lots of courage to keep going. And I need to learn how to fight back with passion and beliefs. Lots of beliefs. I need to believe that God has placed me in this world for a reason. I need to believe. Believe - the definition is "accept something as true, feel sure the truth of" Truth is " that which is in accordance with fact or reality" What is the opposite of belief? Doubt and the definition is "a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction" Conviction is a firmly held belief or opinion. I'm living more by doubts than faith - "complete trust or confidence in someone or something" Do I have complete confidence that my life is gonna turn out alright? That God has all the pieces together?

So today....I made a leap of faith that has been building up through several events that have happened to me.  First off, it started with my unhappiness at the location I was at....I started to feel like the Jonah that was running from God and His calling.  I know where I need to be and the place I am at now is not going to allow for that.  Today I put in my 2 week resignation to my manager.  It's weird because I never thought I would actually be doing that this August.  I thought it was going to take forever before I got out of there and I'm telling you it feels like an insane asylum sometimes. I just know that where I am at is an answer to a special girl's prayers who means the world to me.  Her name is Latyna Caldwell and she has influenced my heart, life, and mind in so many ways with her sweet spirit and I'm sooo grateful to God for letting us cross paths.  Thank you Jesus for allowing her prayers to be answered. May your will be done.