I have a lot of negative emotions I just need to work through.  Today as I was driving home, I thought about my home life, my parents, my family, and my living situation.  Have I truly taken responsibility for my life or have I given up?  Will my dreams ever come true to be in a public school educational system and teach the kids what they need to know and learn for their future?  I also just have some basic fears about myself.  Do I know who I am, do I know what I stand for, do I know what I believe in, do I even believe in myself?  I feel soooo alooone.  So alone.  My parents have left me, and honestly I haven't felt secure in their love.  Always doubted my Dad's love, and my Mom has never really been there for me personally.  It's been more that we as children have been there for her. I have felt that I have raised myself in a way.  Been on my own, emotionally and spiritually. Do I have any life goals, do I have a vision for my life?  No I don't. I don't believe in myself.  I don't know if I'll amount to anything. I know the right things to say, I know the right Bible verses to quote, but do I believe them? Do I live like I believe them?  I fear that my doubts and depression only show that I don't.  I worry so much.  I love so little, because I feel so insecure right now.  I'm so insecure.  I don't know if people know half of what I am so insecure about.  They just see a beautiful girl who seems like she has everything together when really I'm terrified...so terrified on the inside. I don't know if I even have what it takes. I feel like I miss discernment, wisdom, a solid foundation of unconditional love.  I also feel disconnected from God's love on a personal level.  I know it's me. It's not God. I just don't know how to get back to God.  Or not even get back to God it's more like have I ever know what it is to be on a personal level with God?  Do I know how to even have that personal relationship?  Will I ever know?  Am I doomed to go to hell?  Do I know what is to have a good relationship with God. Does He know all my honest doubts and fears. I feel like a failure. That's what it comes down to. Sadly, I wonder if that's all I will ever be known for.  God help me. I don't know how to process things in my own life. I push people away because I don't feel like I deserve to be loved. I don't even know how to love. I feel incompetent in my life.  As if the day to day activities is the hardest thing for me to overcome. I don't know even where to be begin. I don't know how I'm going to be a good wife/mother with my insecurities staring right back at me in the face.  Am I doomed to live a life in desolation/sadness/poverty of spirit.  Does God see me? Does He know my doubts/fears?  I have lived trying to remain faithful to Him. ..trying to live by what's right..and in the end I don't know even know if I please Him or not. I don't know if my life is going to be of value. It's almost as if the truth is staring at me right in the face, and I don't want to believe it, or something hinders me from believing it. I feel like I'm a broken mess. And I can't be fixed. That I keep staring up out of this deep dark well and I see people's smiling faces looking down at me, and each try to do something to save me, but they don't have enough strength for two people. They were never meant to have strength for two people.  I have to BELIEVE in GOD, in the talents and abilities He has given me enough to where I don't need constant reassuring that I am of value.  When pressures of life and discouragement come, it's as if I don't have enough strength, faith, or value to believe that I am worth the trouble.  I feel like I am all pretty and no substance. I'm not that beautiful. But all I've lived off was my beauty. My beauty is what brought the boys in.  That's what kept me going is flattery.  But in the end, it offered no substance.  I know how I think, and the beliefs that control me, and I don't know how to let it go. How to believe in beauty and positive things. How to heal from my past.  Full of bitterness, cliffhangers, and sadness.  A broken marriage.  Broken pieces for parents, who tried their best to be present, but who never really were.  I have that as an example of a home.  A sad, depressed, angry, home. I've always been somehow linked to my mom on an unhealthy level.  We all have. But I feel like I have lost my personality and who I am the most.  The boundaries have been so blurred that I have lost my personality in a bad relationship.  I feel like I offer no knowledge, nothing of substance to the world.  I don't believe in myself.  I don't know what to believe about myself. I don't know where to go from here. But I feel like feelings wise I have truly hit rock bottom. And I hate how I keep lying to myself about how I feel.  I hate that I pretend like I'm so happy when I'm absolutely miserable. I don't want to continue to bring people down with me either. I dont' want to constantly be a downer. Feel like I should be more of a motivator, and less passive. But passive is all I know how to be. I've never been the one to take initiative, usually let others make the move. Which is surprising how I've been with Raul.  I've been the one to make the move. I've been the one to talk to him, and I feel slightly embarassed now.  Feel like I put myself out there, and I was the idiot. God help me. I was the idiot. I might as well wear a dunce hat and call me foolish. I don't know if I'm going to make it through this.  I don't know if I'll be able to love, or be loved.  Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? What does life hold for me? I don't know about life. I just dont' know.  I don't know how to handle myself...how to process things, how to think for myself. How to come to positive conclusions instead of beating up on myself.  How to let the values and convictions I have lived for. I don't know what to live for anymore. I don't know what to fight for. I want to give up. With a bullet in my brain. That's how badly I want to give up. I don't have any type of regular schedule. Don't have any consistency in my life. I don't have a salary. I don't have a future at the moment. I just have dreams, and fantasies. My world is a fantasy, and the reality is harder to look at. I've never had the fighting spirit in me.  Maybe more so the rebellious spirit lately, because I got a little dose of some love. Some love that turned out to be unrequited love. It turned out to be a mess. It wasn't real love. Just puppy love. It wasn't love. I haven't wanted to dig deep into my soul for a long time now. I want to ignore what I feel and how unworthy/worthless I feel. These are the dark emotions I face when it's a bad day.  When it's a bad day I don't think of it's a bad day...I think more along the lines of there I go again proving to myself that I can't do anything right. That I don't know how to handle myself in life. That I don't have anything to offer. That I just suck the life out of life. I feel very dark. I envision putting a gun to my head. And ending it all. Wishing for relief from this pain. I have always lived for the approval of people. And not having that to feed off of, has slowly begun to starve my desire for life. Because it seems that's all I was living for. For people's approval. And when I don't get it. I don't think I'm worth anything. Pretty sad. I do say so myself. What AM I LIVING FOR?? Why am I here? I don't how to enjoy the lighter things in life. What does life have in store for me.?  Am I going to end in failure yet once again? Is my life going to be a sad story for the ages for my cousins, children, and my friends. Will I know what love is? Will I discover love? What am I fighting for in my life? What do I have to live for?? Am I living for Raul, Lorena, Dad, Mom, Sara, the daycare? What do I have to live for? What am I doing here? Why am I here? Am I going to make it? What do I find beautiful? What do I dream about? What do I need to let go of? Why do I fear? Why do I not believe? Why am I going to be a teacher? To prove myself of value to kids who do not care about education anymore? What have I done with my life? Already made a mess of it. I don't feel worthy of life. I don't want to breathe or even live anymore. I don't know what to live for anymore. I just want to crumble in to the pressure, cave in to life. I don't have the strength. I feel unprotected and that is the worst feeling for me. I feel the most loved when I am the most protected. I feel like I've been left to the wolves. Maybe I should have listened to my parents. Maybe I should have stuck with my degree. Why do I feel like I've caved in to the pressure so much. God help me. And be with me. Help me to know how to continue with strength and believe in the person you've created me to be. My dad offered to take me to Laredo. To get a fresh new start. I want a fresh new start. I want to be taken away from everything and get away from life. But is that really the answer? Haven't I been running all this time? I've been running because I feel like my fate has been sealed. I've been cursed to a life of unhappiness with the wrong partner. I don't know what I'm supposed to do right now. I don't know how to breathe life into my situation because there is no life in me. I need God's spirit to breathe what is slowly starting to die again. My will to live. My will to live. I've never been one to have a strong will. I've always been complacent and compliant. Passive. Is that a way to live life? Shouldn't obedience come forth from the conviction of faith in God and that obedience will provide blessing. I just obey to obey. Because I don't have any desire for life. I just go through the motions. Is life meant to be lived going through the motions? NO!!!! Life is not meant to be lived. I know that much. I just don't know how or where to go from here. Does God hear real prayers? I believe he does. Does He hear my prayers? I don't know completely. He might hear the prayers of those around me...but does He hear my prayers? Will I ever be of any value to any public school education system? What have I gotten myself into? Do I know how to get out? What am I supposed to do? Most of my decisions that I've made have been against things. In other words I've been passive even in my decision making. Except for...quitting graduate school, and deciding to go into teaching. That was the first decision that I've made where I MADE THE DECISION versus someone telling me to make that decision. Now I'm back to making passive decisions in my life. What am I living for? Why do I want to become that girl that just sleeps her life away? It's not that I'm afraid of work it's that I'm fearful that I'll invest my life into something and then I'll realize that at the very end of it all it was a WASTE. A WASTE of my time and efforts. I don't want to end up that way. However, I've resigned myself to that it seems like that with my actions. Just coming home to lay on the couch watch tv and go to sleep. God help me. I feel like I'm standing alone in this dark deserted desert. And the line from the Snow White movie speaks to me "The forest draws strength from your weakness." I've always felt dark though. Always sad. I can still remember how isolated I felt in private school. Sooo isolated. I can still remember how I would sob at night, and how close I came to ending my life in high school. Those thoughts and that person are still with me. I'm still that person that feels like she is in high school surrounded by people who have stronger bonds with people who feel loved and protected. And they don't realize how vulnerable I am. They have no ideaaaa how vulnerable I am!!!! No idea. Dear God, I feel unprotected and vulnerable, and YOU Have told me "Be strong and of good courage!"  Please remind me why YOU CAN PROMISE THAT> You can promise that, because YOU Are my protector. I don't feel that right now. God I feel like I'm being crushed and I have been abandoned. Literally abandoned. Will I always feel that?  I'm so lost. So lost. In myself. I don't know the first way out. I don't know what decisions to make that will be good for me. I don't know what's good for me. I really don't. God don't give up on me. I don't know what I like, or don't like.  Esp. if I'm put on the spot. I'm very weak personally. I don't feel loved, I feel sad. Sooo sad. So sad. I don't even know how to go on. How to keep going. I need lots of courage to keep going. And I need to learn how to fight back with passion and beliefs. Lots of beliefs. I need to believe that God has placed me in this world for a reason. I need to believe. Believe - the definition is "accept something as true, feel sure the truth of" Truth is " that which is in accordance with fact or reality" What is the opposite of belief? Doubt and the definition is "a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction" Conviction is a firmly held belief or opinion. I'm living more by doubts than faith - "complete trust or confidence in someone or something" Do I have complete confidence that my life is gonna turn out alright? That God has all the pieces together?