I went to Texas Teachers training today. I found myself late. Like I'm late to everything. I don't know exactly why I'm late to everything. I was thinking about while I was rushing over to the Texas Teacher's building. Why am I late? Why do I procrastinate? Maybe it's because I fear failure so much. Maybe it's because I don't believe in myself. I don't know how to even believe in myself. I fear so many things. I am scared of life. I am running scared like a rabbit. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid I'm going to start this and this is going to end up in crumbs too. Why do I fear that so much? Why do I fear my life? Why do I fear being me? Why do I fear not finding me? I fear it because I sense how fragile life is, and how your decision can make you or break you as an adult looking back on your younger years wishing you had made better decisions. I don't want to be that person. Today I feel like a little girl. Still looking for that gaping hole to be filled with something to not remind her how empty she feels. I feel so isolated. God knows how isolated I feel. How a pretty girl like me feels incompetent, alone, unloved, and unprotected. Those are the four worst feelings to have when first starting out a very courageous journey. I don't know what I'm supposed to be or how I'm supposed to act, I just know that I feel ALONE. I wonder sometimes if it's my own doing that has led me to being a solitary figure in my life. I haven't wanted to turn out like my parents, and yet in some ways I have. I'm lonely, depressed, miserable, afraid, fearful, unplanned, lazy when it comes to things that really matter, and in bad relationships. I'm afraid of things. I'm afraid. Why am I so afraid?  My hands are cold right now as I write this. I don't believe in myself. I don't believe myself enough. Do I even believe God? I'm afraid of what people think of me. I'm afraid the 2s and 3s will fail because of me.  I've always had a problem with being disliked because people always thought I was too stuck up, too closed off, didn't talk very much at all. How am I going to be a teacher????  How am I going to show these kids how much I will care about them/love them? Why am I going into this journey again? Do I want to go into this journey??  What am I doing to myself???  Why do I sit here and wonder about myself like I do? When I look into my soul I see the ugliness of my soul. I see the fruit of negativity in my life. The fruit of the Spirit is LOVE, JOY, PEACE, LONGSUFFERING, GENTLENESS, GOODNESS, FAITH, MEEKNESS, and TEMPERANCE. Meekness - submissiveness to God, and Temperance - self control or restraint. Do I show that in my own life? Why do I find it so hard to enjoy my life without rushing to my car, or to the next activity so I don't have to stop and think about my life? I don't know how to find the solution or how to process my problems without becoming overwhelmed. I don't have a filter. I don't know when to let go of a relationship when it has become bad for me. I don't know how I'm supposed to overcome, or what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how to let go, or how to forgive. I don't know if the way my life is is a result of God's disapproval upon my life, or His effort to make me stronger and increase my faith. My problem is right at this moment lack of self confidence and self assurance. I don't have any faith whatsover when it comes to the success of my future. I feel like my mind is a small parachute. It dwells on all my negatives and there is so much pain there that I have not personally dealt with, that keeps coming back, and I have no answers. I don't know how to live my life without feeling almost desperate - desperate to run away from everything and everyone that I know. I have no answers for my life, and that is the most helpless feeling in the world. To feel completely alone. But I know the moment I start accepting the fact that I do have pain in my soul that I do not want to face, and sadness, and anger in my heart, then I won't move forward. I'll be stuck in my teenage years emotionally, unable to move forward until I have dealt with and settled these issues in my heart. I still feel the same feelings of feeling incompetent, overwhelmed, discouraged that nobody seemed to like me, and sad. So sad to see the misery in my parents marriage and wishing there was a way to resolve those problems. Then I saw how bitter my Mom became. How she dealt with her anger. And how every opportunity she had she tore him apart with her words, and was verbally abusive.  She had no love for him with her words. Her intent was now to murder his spirit like he had murdered hers. She lives in a world of fear and hate, and paranoia. In all of that, I have seen how time has not helped, but actually worsened the problem. I was that young girl wishing and hoping and praying for my parents marriage to be restored and healed so that I could have an example to look up to for my own future marriage. But at some point in my life, I must have made a promise to myself that I would never marry.  That I would never subject myself to a man because I did not want to end up miserable. So far, I have kept myself to that promise. Only entering relationships that I know wouldn't succeed. That I know wouldn't last. One where it was one person using the other. I had no boundaries. I have standards, but my actions show I believe that I won't be able to find a guy who meets those standards. I believe that God came to this world because He has a love that I cannot understand. A love that far exceeds anything I have personally recieved in my life or that I have shown others. He has such a perfect, strong, unwavering love. He would have to have that kind of love---why else would you leave your riches, glory, fame, beauty and perfect world to come to a ratty, dirty, dark world just so that He could die at the very end? Why would you enter a story like that unless there was depth to the love that the Bible speaks about?  That kind of love that sets ME aside completely and has 100% faith in what He is doing with His time on this earth. He also had a purposeful love. A love that restored. A love that changed.  A love that healed. A love that gave so much. LOVE. God defined love for us. How is it that love never changed my family to be what it should be? How is it that it was written in the pages of the Bible, but that Bible only collected dust and didn't do very much to reflect the fruits of the Spirit in our family? How is it that at 25 years old I'm sitting in a small room with a bed, library shelves, and a laptop to my name? With no family or parental support other than what my older sister can give which right now I believe is more than she can afford? Why has she given so much? Does she really love me that much? Does God really love me that much that He's allowing me this time to find what I'm supposed to do and who I am? There is so much that I bury and I store. So much. I don't know how to handle. I store and I bury. All these fears. I am so alone. Lord please bring me back to You. If this is my time to discover YOU, then help me to do it. Bring my family back together at some point. Help me to find myself at this time, and not to lose heart like YOU asked us not to do. I just know that the emotions I feel are bringing me down. I have no faith in my abilities, talents, or skills. No faith. Please teach me what I need to know to be a successful teacher in the classroom. I feel like my journey that I have started on, is asking me to face myself and my past which I haven't wanted to do in a really long time. I don't want to process those emotions, I don't want to feel them. My talk is soooo negative, I don't even know where to start to make it positive again. God help me. In this landslide. Help me. Because I dont' know. I truly look to YOU at this point of time in my life, and ask for the grace to sustain through this even more lonelier period in my life. Please don't let me stay solitary very long. But help me to appreciate these times, so the times I am alone, they don't feel solitary or depressing but I can actually be with myself without feeling bad about myself. That I can use that time to refresh my spirit, and refresh my soul, because I am starving and dying away. Thank YOU God. You are my Saviour now.