The last time I wrote in this blog, I was going to quit. But God told me not to. Galatians 6:9

God is faithful.

Who am I kidding

This has been the hardest day yet I'm so tired of this job I desperately want to quit! Kids wouldn't listen and I am just plain tired. How do I find the strength to go on days like these? How do I change my persective on days when I feel like a failure?

I have this one little boy who said in class to another little boy that was crying. "Boys don't cry....or scream!"

The Middle of the Week

So I'm sitting here writing this--as they nap. Goodness knows this has been a rough day. We did a few of our usual activities but I think they are getting too bored with it. They are getting too used to the routine I think. I'm gonna have to change up what I do that includes more activities. Some of my older kids have moved up to big class and I'm getting some younger ones. So that means more conflict, slapping, screaming, ahhhh. I want to scream. I have to remind myself to keep it together....that love is patient. Love is kind. Love doesn't lose it. Or get upset easily. Whew. Easier said than done.

A picture of us

I have a little girl who is very independent and wants to do things on her own and she would not let me help with her jacket. I want to do it on my own! So I let her. In another 5 minutes she came back with a mess. She had put her sleeves but it looked awkward...her hoodie was going the opposite direction! "Ms Rosi, can you help me!" It was so hard not to laugh. I helped her and came to a realization. How many times do I do that with God as His child? I act like I don't need God and since God is a gentlemen He lets me and moves out of my way. Then when I realize I've made a mess of things I come back to Him and I say "Jesus, can you please help me?" holding my mess or my brokenness brought on by trying to do it by myself. I'm sure He tries not to laugh but He kneels down and picks up our mess and cleans it up.  Comforting to know whatever situation we are in that we messed up we can call on Him to help.

I have learned that you cannot have a relationship with God + fear. It's a relationship with God + your heart = salvation.  Once you give Him all your heart (weaknesses, fears, dreams, desires) He will turn those ugly things into beautiful things. He will turn it into you praising Him because in the end you realize that all that time you thought this and that problem needed this specific solution that you thought you had the answer to  - well in the end the answer & solution to every single problem, bad relationship, career fallout, was JESUS.  The answer was that you needed to realize in every single thing your supposed to look to the author and finisher of our faith. We are supposed to look to Jesus Christ. Not in our own abilities. Our walk of faith is not our efforts. It is truly laying your life down completely ALL OF IT and saying Jesus I don't have the answers. What should I do? And allowing Him to speak to you through His word. Our walk of faith is COMPLETE & TOTAL DEPENDENCE on Him. That's why worry, fears, anxiety is supposed to be eliminated. It's because YOUR NOT SUPPOSED TO RELY ON YOUR EFFORTS. Your simply supposed to submit and surrender ALL TO GOD.  Say It's ALL HERE GOD. WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH IT? Our faith walk is holding on so tightly to Christ, that we don't trust that ANY of our efforts will bring us closer to Christ. It's simply going to the Word, feeding our soul with it, and praying to God with all of our concerns and seeing God's power being released into our lives and change people's lives around us. We are NOT SUPPOSED TO FEAR. Who we fear is who we honor. Honor God by fearing Him first which means we are motivated to live for Him since we realize God has our back! HE IS THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS THE POWER to change the situation we are truly in!  So that's why we should not fear people! People will come and go. Feelings and emotions will change in them.  BECAUSE GOD CAN DO THAT. He can do that. He really can. I've seen answered prayers in people that I was afraid of, that I didn't know what else to do with! God brought life & hope back into those relationship and those situations every time. (With my family, career, and my boss)

So....today I am pooped.  I don't have any energy left for tomorrow but by the grace of God I will get through. I've been going through a lot, and I know that my sensitive nature has been pummeled. I feel like I'm taking a beating from all sides and no one to protect me. I feel attacked on all ends, but dear God I know that's not true. It just feels like it, but it's not true. I just started my new job, new living arrangements, new church, new chance at life. It's my clean slate!!!! I beg God to not let it get me down.